How I See It: Getting through a very difficult time

Santana Faulkner
Published: May 9, 2008

It has been almost two years since my 13-month-old daughter Amira died in a house fire on West Williams Street. And yet nothing has changed besides the fact that I’m pregnant and God has given me another chance at being a mother.

Many people don’t understand the pain and suffering I endure. My living child was taken from me not because I was a bad parent but because of faulty wiring.

So, did my daughter die in vain? Close your eyes and see what I see — a young, happy little girl (your only child) smiling, playing, growing and affecting everybody she comes near.

Now imagine playing with her all night, then putting her to bed thinking the next day will be filled with fun and love, only to find out that trouble awaits you. Then, that life-filled child is gone; your only child — gone.

Almost two years later, the pain and anger is still there. I wake up every day without my daughter. I see children who are the age she would be and I cry, wondering how she would be if she was with me.
I have doctors saying I have anxiety problems and that I need help. I need to talk to someone.

Am I not entitled to something for my daughter’s death? Or am I supposed to get up every day with the pain that my child is dead while everybody else’s life is filled with happiness?
My friends I grew up with ask me every time they see me, “Santana, have you moved back down?” And the answer is always no. How can I live in Culpeper? I gave birth to my daughter here and she died here. There’s nothing left for me in Culpeper but endless dreams.

Thankfully, God has given me a little boy who is due four days before his sister’s birthday. I think if the good Lord didn’t make me pregnant, I would be close to death.
After losing my daughter, I had nothing to live for. I would drink myself to sleep day in and day out. Then, I saw that my family needed me just as bad as I needed them.

I think the Lord is telling me he has other things planned for me. Another child will help ease the pain; my new baby won’t replace her, but he will help me get through it all.

A lesson lived and learned: Nothing in life lasts forever, so all the days you have with your loved ones, live them like your last. When they’re gone, all you have are pictures, clothes and shoes, long-lasting memories to cherish and a graveyard to visit.

So for all whose children are breathing and well, smile and thank God you have been given the chance to watch them live and grow. Not everybody has that chance in life.

Santana Faulkner is a resident of Charlottesville. Investigators concluded that the electrical connection to an air-conditioning unit caused the fire.