The labors of Labor Day

James Clements
Published: August 31, 2008

Though not technically the last day of summer, Labor Day provides one last chance for us to send the season out in style.

Come tomorrow, we’ll get back to the serious business of traffic commutes and school classes with this year’s bonus of a presidential ad blitz (Don’t you love living in a “swing” state?).

But today, let’s relax and maybe invite some neighbors over for a barbeque.

OK, you can stop relaxing.

First, you’ll need to run to the grocery store and probably more than one. It’s only once you’re inside that you’ll remember that dietary restrictions have made the simple cookout a lot more complicated these days.
First, you’ll reach the produce section.

You’d pick up some corn, if you could squeeze your way into the shucking bee going on over there.

Good thing your garden has given you enough squash to make the neighbors hide when you show up at their door —you’ll just grill some of those. But don’t use peanut oil!

Better pick up some “trans-fat free” expeller-pressed olive oil instead.

When you get to the meat section, your blood pressure really starts to rise.

You could go with ground beef, but your doctor’s voice is in your ear.

Ever since your last cholesterol check, you know the 80 percent chuck that was the backbone of your mouth-watering burgers (you know, the ones that made your neighbors cry with either joy or envy) isn’t an option anymore.

You wouldn’t dare use a leaner cut, your reputation is at stake.

You could do ribs or sausages? (Ha! Ha! Cholesterol humor.)

OK, so you grumble a little and pick up the skinless chicken breasts.

But wait. You remember your son recently became a vegetarian, and your wife thinks it’s important for the whole family to support his lifestyle choice.

Showing up with poultry might make for a long day.

Alright, where do they keep those veggie burgers?

At least you’ll have excuses when you have to explain why your “burgers” taste like bulgur.

Pick up several varieties, the dog is sure to like one of them.

Time to get the buns.

Skip the white bread, that’s off your diet ever since you grew your own life preserver, grab the multigrain instead. Oh, did I forget to mention your neighbor’s gluten allergy?

Cart loaded, you just have to checkout.

Lines a dozen deep greet you at the registers, guess you weren’t the only one who saw today’s weather report.

In the old days, you used to be able to go to the “Express” lane, but you just hit 15 items in the bread aisle alone.

So you settle in behind the folks who are apparently still waiting for a Sam’s Club to come to Culpeper.

Why are they shopping like that?

Oh right, tomorrow life gets back to normal — have to remember to send your wife out later.

Eventually you’ll be back home, unpacked and settled. All that’s left to do now is open a cold beverage, turn on the ball game, and go out and fire up the gas grill you bought this spring.

Aren’t you happy you switched from charcoal to gas? Sure it doesn’t taste as good, but inhaling columns of charcoal fumes was probably smoking your lungs like a turkey leg, anyway. And your son raves about the way it grills tofu.

Yep, all that’s left to do is turn the knob, stick in the chimney lighter (the automatic starter button was fried months ago), and… nothing.

You’re out of propane. Looks like the tank saw you turn the calendar to September.

Hope you have a stress-free Labor Day and enjoy one last day of rest — I’d suggest ordering takeout, if you can find something everyone in your house will, or can, eat.

James Clements is a Culpeper resident and independent columnist who appears each Monday.
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