The concerns were minor

Robert Legge / Culpeper Star Exponent
Published: March 26, 2008

When my wife first started talking to me about foreign adoption, I was apprehensive. What if I didn't like being a parent, changing diapers, the costs of raising a child or the fear of what they'll be like as teenagers-

But perhaps my biggest concern was what if I couldn't connect with a child that didn't share my genes, let alone look anything like me.

Another major concern we had was that adopting a child born in a developing country where pre-natal care isn't always as good as in the U.S. could lead to medical or developmental problems.

And there are the huge adoption costs, sometimes well over $20,000.

And even though the cliché is that our children are "priceless," the reality is that we only have limited resources. Thankfully, there are significant federal tax credits to relieve some of the financial burden.

My wife took the initiative in starting the process.

We looked at Russia and then Paraguay but neither worked out. Next was Guatemala. And are we glad the first two fell through or we might never have met our beautiful daughter.

We adopted a second child, a handsome son, two years later.   

Now about all those apprehen-sions. True, neither child looks like us, but truthfully we rarely even notice. And both have enjoyed exceptional good health, are athletic, bright and do well in school.

The costs were high though. But we made the choice. Did we want a baby or a Buick- We chose the baby, which will last a lot longer and provide a lot more long-term enjoyment than a Buick.

Of course, many adoptions are done through local social services agencies with many future adoptive parents beginning as foster parents. These adoptions are generally free to adoptive parents.

The Culpeper Social Services Department places about one child per month with new families. Most are young children who have been removed from homes where abuse or neglect were present, but some are infants placed at birth.

But don't forget that adoptions can often take many months, if not years, to finalize.

So once the prospective parents have decided to take that "leap of faith," they'll want to complete their "home study," conducted by a social services or private adoption agency that does background checks on the parents, as well as checks the home where the child will be placed.

This is not as intrusive as it sounds but provides reasonable assurances that the adopting parents will be able to provide a safe, nurturing home for the child.

Many adoptive parents get lucky and are able to be placed with a child shortly after completing their home study.

Now a little adoption etiquette. First, most adoptive parents understand that people are curious. It is, after all, a little different, having kids that look different from the parents. But never use the term "real" or "natural" parent. Parents with adopted children are "the" parents. Don't ask if adopted siblings are "brother and sister." They are "brother and sister."

The "birth mother" or "biological mother" gave birth to children placed for adoption. But after they are adopted, the adoptive parents are "the" parents exactly the same as any  biological parents.

If you have the slightest interest in building your family through adoption, there is lots of information on the Internet, at your local social services agency or just ask most any adoptive parent how to go about it. Most will be happy to help you.

I've been told "What a nice thing you've done for this child to save them from a life of poverty in a poor country." I appreciate the sentiment but our motivation to adopt was primarily selfish.

Our kids have greatly contributed to our quality of life. I'm not sure we've improved their lives. It would be nice if they thought so.

Robert Legge is an independent columnist and resident of Madison County. His column appears on Thursday. E-mail