Remembering the departed

Robert Legge
Published: June 18, 2008

I’ve been talking to friends and relatives lately about how they remember or honor their friends and relatives who have passed away.

I heard dozens of fascinating and often heartwarming stories about people who were once part of their life.

One recurring theme was that most thought that they probably should be doing more to keep the spirit and memories of the departed alive.

One person remembered that when she was very young her whole family would make regular visits to the cemetery where she would hear stories about those buried there.

She lamented that with families now often spread apart such connections with ancestors have usually become less frequent.

She noted that most people know little about ancestors much beyond the third or fourth generation.

One tradition she spoke of was that of placing a pebble on the top of a headstone, a sign that someone had been there.

Another person told me of a relative’s funeral where they handed out some of her favorite recipes in addition to having some of those dishes prepared at the dinner after the ceremony. Preparing and eating a special dish is one of the most personal ways of remembering someone, I think.

Remembering a friend or just someone in the community, especially one who died young and under particularly tragic circumstances, often elicits a desire to erect some kind of permanent memorial.

One example we see on the highways is the crosses or wreaths recalling an accident victim. The General Assembly tried to enact a law prohibiting them a few years ago, but fortunately they are still there.  If nothing else, they remind us to drive more carefully.

In recent years, I’ve noticed more of those large decals in memory of a loved one, usually in the back window of a car.

Another way to remember those who have passed away is to plant a tree in their name with a small plaque placed on the ground by the tree. At some point, people may not know the name on the plaque; hopefully the tree will live long enough for that to happen.

Of course, there are an infinite number of ways to remember the deceased.

A photo on the wall is one of the most popular. I like audio recordings. They sometimes seem to elicit an even more vivid mental image than videos.

I think most people don’t always make their wishes well known about how they want to be remembered. Often, we don’t give it much thought or it also seems like it is considered uncomfortable for most people to talk about, and perhaps they might think others don’t really want to hear.

Of course, the rich can donate a few million dollars to some institution and have a wing named after them, but few of us have that opportunity and have to have something a little more low cost and creative. But I think those types of creative memorials can have just the desired result.

I think most of us would like to believe that we had some impact while here on Earth, and perhaps it is comforting to know that part of us will live on with our friends, relatives and especially our kids.

I usually go to Memorial Day observances. At the end of a recent one I attended I went to stand next to the memorial with all the soldiers’ names on it.  One youth and his dad came by.  The child asked his dad, “Did you know any of them?”  The dad said “no,” and they walked away.

As time goes by, I can’t help but think that fewer and fewer people will remember anything about those names on that monument.

It seems like it is a lot harder to remember— let alone honor — someone who you don’t know anything about.

I wonder if it is possible that pictures of these fallen soldiers could be shown at a future Memorial Day observance along with listing their hometown and possibly including a short biographical sketch.

Most of us have busy lives with little time for remembering the departed, but with a little creativity, that time can become a fulfilling part of our lives.

Robert Legge is an independent columnist and resident of Madison County. His column appears on Thursday. E-mail