Memo to the queen

Gordon Meriwether
Published: April 2, 2008

Your Majesty: As a former British subject, 11th generations removed, I am humbly requesting that we, the residents of Culpeper (maybe listed as Fairfax on your older maps) within the Piedmont of Virginia, be allowed to petition you and the House of Commons to the rejoin the British Empire as a member of the Commonwealth.

Time is of the essence, your majesty, due to pending consolidation (annexation) of fair Culpeper (Fairfax) by our own county over the objections of many of our good citizens of this town.

This initiative, driven by personal and financial goals of the few, will cost many thousands of our hard-earned taxpayer dollars to study and propose an ill-favored consolidation plan. If it is inevitable that we are to waste our resources on this proposal, I would suggest that we broaden this baseless consolidation effort to consider coming home to the United Kingdom.

I have heard there were family squabbles many generations ago, but from our end we are ready to let the past be past and move on.

We have so many cultural, political and economic ties that it would be a shame to let this opportunity pass. We speak the same language, don't trust the Europeans, and are obsessed with royalty (albeit Hollywood).

As if to foretell our future together, your BBC has taken up residence in our town to report on our elections. They certainly seem to relish the coffee and treats of Raven's Nest, the wine and cheese of the Châteaux du Reaux, and the sensational cuisine at Foti's along with the fabulous eateries and shops of Davis Street. 

We have a fine museum which highlights some of the misunderstandings that caused our separation. There are plenty of other artifacts of our other misunderstandings (we have a lot of these) that make a tour quite interesting even for the most ardent patron of the Brit-ish Museum.

Our State Theatre is undergoing renovation, and although small, it will rival the Royal Albert when completed. We will surely have a royal box set aside.

We don't have a Tower of London with its Beefeaters in Culpeper (Fairfax), but we do have retired military that like to play dressup for the entertainment of the locals and tourists. With a bit of training, I am sure they will fit right in.

Your majesty, you may find the underlying cause of this petition to rejoin the empire in a simple train whistle. Freight trains barrel through our fair town on a daily basis. They are required to blast a whistle at every unprotected crossing. There is only one in Culpeper (Fairfax) that is unprotected and it belongs to the federal government, which won't spend $210,000 to install a proper crossing. Our congressman has been unsuccessful, and pleas to our senator have gone unanswered.

Given this impasse and the current example of the county consolidation effort, the only answer appears to be consolidation with a higher authority. And who on earth could be a more respected and higher authority than you, your majesty-

Well, there is His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, and I understand that he will be nearby in two weeks. Rumor on Main Street is that the Holy See may be looking at Culpeper (Fairfax) as its Western Enclave. I wouldn't worry too much about that, but if you could send Prince Charles right away or one of your grandsons (we have beautiful and tal-ented young ladies anxiously in waiting) we should be able to block any pesky papal intrusion.

This visit would certainly highlight your interest, and that alone could launch our petition drive. With this as a kickoff, we will employ a number of our local "volunteers" to stand outside our post office to collect enough signatures to put the petition before the electorate.

Given a choice of consolidation with the county or your majesty, I have no doubt how the cards will fall. I eagerly look forward to your early response.

Your soon-to-be loyal subject once again,
Gordon Meriwether

Gordon Meriwether is an independent columnist who lives in Culpeper. He appears every other Thursday in the Star-Exponent. E-mail