Combatting domestic violence

Robert Legge
Published: July 16, 2008

It’s no newsflash that domestic violence is a big problem. But most of us just throw up our hands in despair when it comes to any answers. I’m probably in that category too.
But I’ve been thinking about it more lately since I watched a young mother — shot to death by her husband —  being buried in the Etlan cemetery a couple of months ago.

In fact, according to a 2004 state report, half of all women murdered in Virginia are killed by their intimate or former intimate partner. 

First off, any definition of domestic violence includes not just husbands/boyfriends battering wives/girlfriends or ex-wives/girlfriends. It includes abuse of children, seniors, men hit by wives/girlfriends and psychological aggression such as threats, forced isolation from friends and family, repeated putdowns privately and in front of others, and constant controlling of another’s life. Alcohol is often an accelerant that can turn a dispute into violence.

Thankfully, abuse victims have more options than they used to when a man’s home was his castle and what happened behind those doors was no one else’s business.
Today women have shelters, new domestic violence laws, hotlines and other public services. Not to mention that many have more economic independence than in the 50s and 60s.

But still the problem persists with little signs of real improvement.

Many of us wonder why women murdered by their husbands didn’t just leave. Surely they must have thought that the situation would eventually get better. But leaving an abusive relationship is not always as easy as it sounds. The financial and social consequences of a breakup are not to be taken lightly.

And leaving or announcing the end of the relationship is often the most dangerous time for an abuse victim. Restraining orders have no effect on abusers intent on murder.

Statistics indicate that abuse victims living in rural areas incur special risks. They are more likely to be isolated from people and have fewer public service options such as shelters. Rural households also tend to more likely have firearms in the house that can increase an argument’s lethality.

While the criminal justice system does have to be called in at times, a return to normalcy is often in everyone’s best interest. When divorce is the only option, and kids are part of the picture, both the mother and father will have to deal with each other for years to come.

Anger management training or short jail sentences for the abuser are not enough. Other members of the family need support too. An end to the violence is what all the victims want.

But as I said in the beginning, it’s no news flash that domestic violence is a plague on society. So what are some solutions? 

The problem is intergenerational, which can’t be fixed by next Tuesday. Children brought up in a safe, loving, supportive home where disputes are not resolved with violence or screaming is far less likely to be an abuser when they grow up. Yes, their own kids will act up once in a while, but if they grew up in the aforementioned type of home, it is unlikely they will even think of resorting to abusive behavior against their child or spouse.

Parents need to work hard to instill a strong sense of self-confidence in their daughters. If they have never been hit as a child, they will know that any boyfriend who hits or abuses them is abnormal and not someone they want to have around. Boys need to learn to respect girls from an early age and know that hitting them is never allowed.

But domestic violence is not just something that goes on behind someone else’s door. It is a community problem. And leaders in the community need to speak out.
School, church, and governmental leaders need to make it a regular topic of discussion. We need to create opportunities for abuse victims to feel comfortable about talking to someone about their situation.

We need to get the conversation going. I don’t want to see any more young mothers buried.

Robert Legge is an independent columnist and resident of Madison County. His column appears every other Thursday. E-mail

How you can help

To learn more locally or volunteer a few hours of your time, call SAFE, Culpeper’s domestic
violence program, at 825-8891.