Tony and Paulie come to Culpeper

Allison Brophy Champion / Culpeper Star Exponent
Published: April 26, 2007

I almost fell off the couch.Tony Soprano and his crony Paulie are coming to Culpeper-

God help us all.

Still, the passing reference on Sunday night's episode of "The Sopranos" is pop culture gold.

I live for this stuff.

But brace yourself, Culpeper, that passing reference is not too flattering. In fact, it's downright scandalous.

Little Culpeper has a little reputation for seediness, no- I remember hearing things about it long before I ever came to work here. Unmentionable things that I won't mention. Sordid things.

Good thing the Sopranos is fiction. Good thing the things you hear usually aren't true.

Anyway, it's about 9:20 p.m. Sunday and Paulie and Tony are having a good time on the TV, reminiscing about the old days in the aptly named episode, "Remember When."

They're having a good time, that is, until the Feds dig up some body in north Jersey from a 1982 murder courtesy of Tony, his first.

He and Paulie have to get out of town until it all blows over and so they decide on a road trip down south.

Fine…la…de…da, they're driving on I-95 (the New Jersey Turnpike) and before long, Paulie starts talking about Chevy Chase, as in Chevy Chase, Md. Hmmmm - getting close to D.C.

I know the route well.

The goofy, silver-headed mobster (not Tony) dozes off again and the next thing you know, the road trippers are in Virginia.

Is that 96.9 on the dial- Why yes it is - Fredericksburg's own classic rock station. Now here's where it gets freaky.

(Caution: bad words ahead).

Tony: Paulie, we should stop.

Paulie: Where the f-- are we-

Tony: Virginia. You remember that place, the dive with the f--ing massage beds- It's in Culpeper, Virginia.

Did they just say Culpeper- Did they just say massage beds- Oh no they didn't. Oh yes they did. I bloop bloop back on my TiVo remote just to be sure and yup, that's where they're headed.

They'll have to travel at least 30 miles off of I-95 to get here and apparently, Tony and Paulie have been to Culpeper before.
Not so bad yet, right-

It gets worse, as it all comes back to Paulie.

Paulie: The Havenaire. Yeah, yeah. We met those 16-year-old hillbilly hoars near the taxi stand.

(laughing)
Tony: You want the old days- Let's go there. We'll get a room, ice in the machine, bottle of scotch, order a couple steaks.
Paulie: Now you're f--ing talking.

So they pull up to the place, but alas, like so many things in Culpeper these days, the Havenaire is no longer, replaced by some big Marriott Hotel.

Hey, that's not Culpeper.

There's no Marriott here (though I hear one may be coming). As for the massage parlor, I wouldn't know about that.

A luggage handler tells Tony and Paulie that he's never heard of the Havenaire. The lady at the front desk tells them "wraps and salads only after 11" and so they're won't be having steaks.

Boo Culpeper.

"Your dad, he and I made this trip 1,000 times back in the 60s," Paulie tells Tony as they have a drink in the fictional hotel bar.

Wonder what they got into-

Fiction, fiction, fiction, I remind myself, though dreaming of running into Tony Soprano down near the taxi stand. What-

Where is that-

I'm no hillbilly.

The mobsters leave "Culpeper" soon enough and end up in Miami, where Tony gets pissed because Paulie keeps bringing up their past.

"Remember when is the lowest form of conversation," Tony says, storming off, leaving Paulie to worry that he's going to get whacked the next day out on the water. I'm wondering too.

The episode's subplot follows Tony's Uncle Junior - who's in jail/rehab after shooting his nephew in the stomach last year.

Junior is back to his old tricks through, setting up poker games, agreeing to sell his autographed photograph on eBay and managing to upset some of his fellow, unstable inmates.

Hey, I want this guy's set up.

When not watching infomercials, Junior annoyingly proclaims his innocence, claiming the gun misfired when he shot Tony. The old guy is trying to get Dick Cheney to release him. (Right, he knows about misfires.)

But can you trust Junior- Is he telling the truth- I think not. I think he's still demented.

"Remember When" overflows with paranoia and disillusionment and lots of men acting manic on account of their less-than-nurturing fathers.

Been there.

"The Sopranos" ends where it started with more references to this beautiful place, Virginia. John Denver's on the radio in Uncle Junior's nuthouse and he's singing about some country road.

(John Denver, not Junior).

"Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains
Shenandoah River
Life is old there
Older than the trees
Younger than the mountains
Blowing  like a breeze."

I live for that stuff too - they can keep Jersey (done that).

Allison Brophy Champion can be reached at 825-0771 ext. 101 or