Revenge of the Spider-Man

Allison Brophy Champion / Culpeper Star Exponent
Published: May 10, 2007

By the time this publishes, "Spider-Man 3" will have surpassed the $400 million mark for global box office sales - in just a week's time! Yeah, people are that desperate for a decent movie these days, and I feel for them. I haven't been to the movies since late March and Chris Rock's "I Think I Love My Wife."

And while I know I don't love "Spider-Man 3," I didn't hate it either. It's decent. Well, at least the look of it is. As for the acting and plot, I wouldn't go that far. What is happening here-

It's like the Marvel Comics version of "Revenge of the Nerds."

First, you've got Eric (Topher Grace) from Fox's "That 70s Show" playing the dark Spidey, who kind of looks like the red Spidey, but with really messed up teeth.

Geeky, skinny Eric, a villain- I'm not buying it. He's more suited to his other role, Eddie Brock, the Daily Bugle freelance photographer who's always trying to scoop Peter Parker, aka, the real red Spider-Man.

Then you've got Parker (Tobey Maguire), who walks around half the time with his head in the sky like he's Gene Kelly from "Singin' in the Rain."

Despite his on-purpose geekiness and 12-year-old appearance, he's particularly self-absorbed in part three and never really listens to longtime girlfriend M.J. (Kirsten Dunst).

Beware, Spidey, you're losing her, and Broadway doesn't want her. Poor Mary Jane.

"You are such a nerd," the gorgeous-as-ever M.J. tells Peter, as he goes on about sound waves.

When he's not saving New York City from its latest near disaster, the web-spinning superhero is goth-Spider-Man, complete with the black eyeliner and combed down hair. That's right: Spider-Man is the dark Spider-Man too.  His suit looks like black licorice and landed like a comet when he and M.J. were kissing one night in his web.

It, however, is removable and that's how it gets on Eddie one night in a church when he's praying.

Right.

Rounding out the three stooges is good old Harry (James Franco), Peter's childhood friend. Case in point: Franco starred in the late '90s high school drama, "Freaks and Geeks," which only ran for one season.

Harry is geekier than ever in "Spider-Man 3" after sustaining a head injury in a fight with Spider-Man. He's still holding a grudge from "Spider-Man 2" when his dad, the Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe), died in a fight with Spidey.

Harry vows to avenge his father's death, but only winds up getting stupid when his entire memory is erased in his own fight with Spidey.

Even the flying green skateboard and those spherical, explosive projectiles can't help him.

Pretty cool stuff, that fight, the look of it, that is. And Franco, aka the Green Goblin Jr., looks awesome in boxer briefs. I digress.

If that's not enough villains for you, there's one more: the Sandman, played by Thomas Haden Church. An escaped convict named Flint, he falls into a "particle physics" vat, turning him into this huge sandstorm.

I'm not sure why he's so mad - something about a sick kid - but the Sandman comes after Spider-Man too. Turns out, it's kind of hard to defend yourself against an ever changing, moving mass of dirt.

"Where do all these guys come from-" asks Spidey, dumping sand from his magic boots.

By now, he's got on his black suit and is feeling really sexy. He's wearing it all the time under his clothes.

"Where am I-" Spider-Man says to himself. "This is something else."

My thought exactly, especially when he takes off down the city streets moving like a disco freak. But the dark suit will poison him, causing him to seek revenge for his Uncle Ben's murder and strike down whoever gets in his way. That's not the Spidey I know.

"Before you know it, it could turn into something ugly," a wise Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) tells Peter, and she's looking good at nearly 80.

Stressed-out Daily Bugle Editor J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) is also really good, and great for a few genuine laughs.

About two hours into it, all of "Spider-Man 3" starts to get good. All the freaks and geeks meet in one place for a final knockdown fight.

You've got the reformed, but still conceited, red Spidey and the totally demented dark Spidey. Throw in Green Goblin Jr. and a sand creature the size of the Empire State Building and you've got something worth watching.

Still, third time is far from a charm for "Spider-Man," making "Spider-Man 4" completely unnecessary (please, no). Now if only I can get through part three of that pirate movie.

Allison Brophy Champion can be reached at 825-0771 ext. 101 or