‘Pirates 3’: Deep-six this sequel

When the second "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie came out last year and proved to be such a grave disappointment, the general consensus was that it was merely killing time until the third movie came out. Everything would be better then, we thought, and the concluding "Pirates" movie would recapture the joys of the first.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" opens tonight, and now we know: The first movie was all the filmmakers had.

This third film, shot at the same time as the second, has the same problems as the second, only it's worse because it is 20 minutes longer. And the second was longer than the first. And the first, for all its charms, was 20 minutes too long.

For two hours and 40 minutes, "Pirates 3" subjects us to a story that is only fitfully comprehensible -- and when it is, it isn't all that interesting.

Apparently, a number of pirates want to get together to fight the English and to open Davy Jones' chest (the kind you carry things in) and stab his heart, which will give whoever does the deed a life both eternal and kind of boring.

Meanwhile, some of the pirates want to free the corporeally imprisoned mythological Greek sea nymph Calypso, alliances are formed and abandoned, three characters are reunited with their fathers (because that's not a common enough theme in movies these days), and everyone betrays everyone else, multiple times.

Did I say "fitfully comprehensible"- On second thought, that seems optimistic.

Do you plan to see 'Pirates of the Caribbean - At World's End-' Arrggh, I'll be the first in line I'll wait a while and see if non-pirates like the movie That ship has sailed

Despite its inordinate length, the film boasts just one good joke (a pirate has an unexpectedly high and squeaky voice) and one great scene. That scene is the first of six endings, a pirate ship battle with superb action made all the more clever by a particularly witty bit of simultaneous side business.

But like the film in general, this scene goes on way, way too long, making less and less sense.

In what looks like a good career move, nominal star Johnny Depp doesn't even show up for the movie's first half-hour. When he does eventually appear, unfortunately, he is beset by a series of fairly tedious hallucinations.

At least there is a reason for them in this scene. When they show up again later (including a good angel and a bad angel standing on his shoulders), it's just a bad idea gone horribly wrong.

Practically everyone returns from the first film or two, and most overact, though few are as bad as Geoffrey Rush and Naomie Harris.

Keira Knightley's bright and spunky performance as the feminist pirate is the best by far, though Depp is enjoyably mincing in somewhat limited exposure. Once again, Orlando Bloom resembles a brick wall, although one, I am reliably informed by a young female friend, that is incredibly hot.

As promised, Keith Richards appears in a small role (Keith, you've got a little dad on your nose), and he briefly strums a guitar.

That's the level of humor that writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio generally aspire to in this film. They also come up with a gag in which the characters played by Depp and Rush compare telescopes to see whose is bigger.

Depp's character (Jack Sparrow) and Rush's (Barbossa) are both ship's captains, and they fight over who shall be the captain of whatever ship they happen to be on. Also fighting to be captain of one ship or another are the characters played by Bloom, Bill Nighy, Chow Yun-Fat, Tom Hollander, David Schofield and, briefly, Lee Arenberg.

Is it a running joke that everyone wants to be captain- Or did the writers and director Gore Verbinski simply run out of ideas and begin to repeat themselves-

It's hard to know for certain, but consider this: On four occasions, characters are just about to be killed when they are saved at the last moment by an explosion. The first three times, the explosions kill British soldiers.

Usually, with a long movie like this, the question is what should have been cut out. In "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End," a better question is what should have been left in.

• Daniel Neman's rating:
  Cast: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush
  FYI: Running time: 2:40. Rated PG-13 (much pirate violence, gross stuff)
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