Eric leaves some final advice

Eric Watkevich
Published: July 25, 2008

Editor’s disclaimer — This is the resignation notice left by Eric Watkevich a few days ago.

Eric likes exaggerating, and we clarified the particulars while leaving the message the same.

For about nine >(Editor’s note: two) years I’ve been writing for the Star-Exponent, and I’m proud to say that my columns have been a cornerstone of the paper since I began writing them, (Editor’s note: Actually, we had been considering either a video game review or a column on sewing clothes and accessories for dogs. Eric won the coin toss.)
Although I appreciate all the friendship and camaraderie, I feel that it is time to move on, and this will be my notice of resignation (Editor’s note: We only saw Eric in person once, and that was at our Christmas party. He ate the entire shrimp cocktail and pretended to be a naked Santa Claus).
However, in case you guys decide to have another person review games, I’ve listed a few tips on game reviewing and how to come up with snazzy titles (Editor’s note: Community Editor Jeff Say actually comes up with all the snazzy titles).
1. Do your homework.

I can’t tell you how many times I ever even played the game I was writing about.

Luckily, though, the only people who read my review were elderly people at my church, so they didn’t know what I was talking about anyway.

2. Think of an opening paragraph that has nothing to do with the rest of the article.

People will become confused and not pay attention to anything else you write.

I like to use celebrities or members of the Culpeper County High School faculty.

3. Make the rest of your review the same as the one before it.

It’s a great way to save time for more important things, like playing video games.

4. Get used to people believing what you write about yourself in the paper. Everyone thinks I’m an overweight nudist. Actually, I’m 6-foot-4 and independently wealthy (maybe they’ll fall for it).

5. Stick with it. Video games are cool, but writing about them becomes a chore.

Try to liven up the article and experiment with different approaches.

It can’t hurt because nobody’s reading what you’re writing anyway.

6. Never make fun of the place you work in the article. Old people and managers at Kohl’s just happen to be the only people who will see what you put in there.

7. Finally, appreciate the opportunity to tell everyone about your favorite hobby.

Take advantage of the chance you’ve been given, at least until I get back from college and kick you out.

I hope this was enough information to help the people who will fill in my shoes, big and clumsy though they are.
Wish you had paid me,
Eric (Editor’s note: We’re actually hoping to persuade Eric to find time to continue his reviews by doubling his pay rate and allowing him 15 minutes more on his deadline now that he’s a college man).

Eric Watkevich is a resident of Culpeper who has a freakish amount of gaming experience. He believes that great columnists don’t die, they just go to the Star-Exponent. He can no longer be reached for private ridicule.